Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Step back to step forward

I feel over the past few weeks I have been taking steps in the wrong direction. Things have somehow become harder again, but maybe today was a step back in the right direction. I am sure there will be steps back as I am emotional, but maybe the worst is behind me. I got better, then way worse, and hopefully that roller coaster will settle after today.

I have analyzed from every single angle. I have been way too hurt to think and way too hurt to write. I have given up on myself for days at a time. Maybe it is time for me to stop waiting to be strong and pushing myself to be strong.

One thing is certain, it is over. The reasons are unknown, but now I have the rationalization I might need to get past her. No matter what the real reason is, a conversation is what I deserved and never received. Now, I dont need one. Whether my reasons are right or wrong, whether they will change or remain, it is too late to talk. I have analyzed every situation from the bullshit she gave me, to the possibility of a better reason, to her cheating on me. No matter what the reason, I deserved a conversation. Do I believe it would have fixed all? Yes. (unless it was cheating...But still deserved it).. No matter how big or small the reason, she never talked to me.

I realize now that I misread everything in the relationship. I misread her apparent stress at work, I misread her body language, I misread her words. I misread it all, but that is no ones fault but her own. I realize today that I am wrong to think she was stressed at work. She was happy. Was she burnt out? Possibly. But she was happy. It was perceived as stress because she acted happy with me. But it was not stress. It was her drifting from me. Rather than discussing it with the one person she should have, she neglected it and she neglected me. Drifting was a conversation that was needed.

How do I believe she handled it? Maybe she worked harder. Maybe she worked harder because of her interest in another man. I am not certain, but it is what I now believe 100% without a doubt. Did she cheat? maybe, possibly, who knows. Do I care? Yes. Does it matter? NO! It doesnt matter if she cheated or not anymore. What matters.. what truly matters deep down in right to the core of my being is that I was betrayed.

Whether I am right or wrong, I was betrayed. Even if she didnt have interest, she betrayed me by her actions and her lack of empathy. She betrayed me by walking out. She betrayed me through a lack of respect. She betrayed me by telling me both that she sees her future with me, and that she needs to date others. She betrayed me by letting me hang on to something that would never ever again be.

Back to my beliefs. I believe there was or is someone. I believe that she has or felt feelings for another man. I believe that these feelings triggered a sense of doubt and panic in her that she didnt know how to cope with. Did or would these feelings go anywhere with this person? Maybe not. But she had feelings for another man and instead of letting it go, being truthful and sharing a doubt, she ran. She betrayed me. I would have talked about it and made her see that I would win that affection back.

Here is the kicker. No matter who it was, no matter how she felt, no matter the timing or significance, nothing should have ever come between me and her. With the quality of the relationship that we had, nothing should have ever come between us. With how special the relationship was, with how much I cared for and loved her right to the deep core of me... Nothing should have ever stood between that. If I ever love someone again half as much as I love her, they will not question our relationship because of how strong even that fraction of love is. What we had was special. What we had was rare. What we had was a fairy tale. Nothing in the world would ever stop me from questioning that. No one and nothing.

  • What bothers me is that the girl I basically gave my life and all my love to betrayed me... I will think differently at times.. but as it goes right this very second... She betrayed all the love that I gave to her by even giving any other guy in the world the time of day..Even smiling at them in a certain way is enough. Yea.. cheating is bad.. but if she looked at another guy the way she looked at me.. then fuck it all
  • Relationships fizzle out.. people meet people... but... what we had... nothing should have ever in a million years came between us.. thats what kills me. THAT is how much i loved her and how faithful I was to her
nothing else will ever matter. Whether she cheated or didnt, the love I had for her went unappreciated. That is the biggest crime of all.

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